Shabbat Shalom! Hey!
And a special tip of the Kippah to 2023! What a year! I don’t know about all of you, but I feel exhausted just thinking about it. Faced with the daunting task of summarizing the year, I asked Google’s Bard for some help and was rewarded with the following: “2023: A year of Disruption and Transformation”, which sounds to me like the year had a major identity crisis and ended up with a sex change operation. But, maybe the Bard is onto something. After all, we have endured a lot of change this year, including a few new wars, continued attacks on women’s reproductive rights, more indictments for the orange turd, the ongoing Republican clown show, more gun violence (including a first grader shooting his teacher!), more antisemitism, Chinese spy balloons, the Titan submersible implosion, Maui wild fires, train derailments and the JNR receiving a Pulitzer Prize, according to former NY Representative George Santos. For Israelis, most of the year was dominated by the legal coup attempt by Nut-and-yahoo and his wack job coalition partners, and then all hell broke loose on October 7, making 2023 in Israel what the late Queen Elizabeth referred to as an “annus horribilis”,which is Latin for “what the fuck”.
All in all, quite the year! And yet despite what seemed like a languishing litany of bad news items, the nation and our democracy survived, and in fact, endured. Personally, 2023 brought us two new nachas machines in the form of two beautiful grand children, Abby and Cameron. And while I may be suffering from my first bout with Covid, I am mostly a healthy person with only the usual amount of senior complaints about arthritic joints and other aging body betrayals. And the big picture for most in the nation is trending positively. Unemployment remains remarkably low, inflation is now under control, the stock market is setting new records, people are shopping like there is no tomorrow, yet the only thing falling faster than gas prices is Biden’s popularity. Go figure. So, maybe “Resiliency” is a better way to summarize 2023. Or maybe Norm Jewison got it right, and like the Jewish people, we are teetering on the edge, like a fiddler on the roof, adapting the best we can in the midst of cultural change and adversity. And how do we keep our balance amidst this barrage of change and adversity? Tradition, tradition!
One such tradition is the JNR year end predictions for the coming new year, otherwise known as The Oy Vey List, which is published every year in the Jewish Farmer’s Almanac right next to those of Nostradamus and Baba Vanga. For those of you new to the JNR, The Oy Vey List is my best guess predictions of things to come in 2024 that will elicit dismay, frustration, grief or just a good ole “Oy”. My 2023 prognostications were mostly a bust going 1 for 5, but remember, as the great philosopher Pumbaa once said, “you got to put your behind in the past”. So with that bit of wisdom now behind us, I am proud to present the annual JNR Oy Vey List for 2024:
- Oy Vey #1: Ye converts to Judaism – The rapper, formerly known as Kanye West, posts his intentions of converting to Judaism on the X platform this January, writing in yiddish that he will be changing his name from “Ye” to “Ey”, explaining that “Hebrew is read right to left after all”. The statement arrives less than four weeks after Ey went on an antisemitic rant in Las Vegas while promoting his upcoming album “Vultures,” due out Jan. 12. In the rant, he made insidious insinuations about Jewish influence and compared himself to Jesus Christ and Adolf Hitler. Defending Ey, Elon Musk states that he was glad to have him back on the platform, “Any resemblance between Ey and Adolf Hitler is purely coincidental, and certainly within his first amendment rights. And he looks great with that new mustache!” Ey also announces he will resume his latest concert tour, renamed “The Star of David Concert Tour” which features a 100 foot statue of Ey wearing blue and white Yeezees emblazoned, of course, with the Star of David.
- Oy Vey #2: Taylor Swift’s “Pass Interference Tour” passes the $Trillion mark – That Taylor Swift is a phenomenon is a gross understatement. The only artist in pop history to occupy all of the Top Ten single slots at the same time, Swift more recently racked up four simultaneous Top Ten albums. She has spawned “Swiftogeddon” all-Taylor club nights; the internet swirls with footage of “Swifties” singing in unison; there is even a Taylor Swift-themed university course. And now, NFL television ratings are reaping the bounty of her fame due to her recent romantic dalliance with Kansas City Chiefs tight end, Travis Kelce. My Swiftian prediction for 2024: After breaking up with Kelce, Swift writes yet another doomed romance song that once again, catches the zeitgeist by storm. This time, she gets pregnant to boot, and launches her “Pass Interference” tour where we all get to witness every milestone around her pregnancy and delivery set in an iconic pop music opera featuring songs such as, “You Belong with Me in Lamaze”, “Look What You Did to Me”, and her iconic “Love Story: Don’t Throw the Challenge Flag”. At this time next year, the tour and hit songs will have topped the $1 Trillion mark, making it the most successful tour and album launch in the history of mankind and surpassing the GNP of many small nations. Using AI and Google Bard, here is what the love child will look like. Remember, you saw it here first on the JNR!
- Oy Vey #3: Earth tightens its belt – If you haven’t heard of Ozempic, A) that’s weird and B) you will in 2024. On paper, Ozempic is a medication primarily used for the treatment of type 2 diabetes. In reality… it’s the Hot New Drug everyone is taking to lose an extra 20 pounds, and keep them off. Ozempic makes its users less hungry and less prone to impulse. It is almost a universal demand suppressant at most, or is at least very good at suppressing addictive behaviors. Problem is, a universal demand suppressant is bad for business, bad for the economy and bad for the planet. It may be the end of the world as we know it. Think about it: People on Ozempic eat less fatty food, drink less alcohol, stop smoking, and cut back on most good things in life. According to the Wall Street Journal, this has many industries worried, with companies weighing in on the drug during earnings calls. A few examples of businesses that are likely to be negatively impacted by the “Ozempic Economy” : Retail (Walmart), snack (Conagra Brands, PepsiCo, Kellanova), fast food (McDonalds), tobacco (Altria)… the list goes on. Morgan Stanley has projected that 24 million people, or nearly 7% of the U.S. population, will be taking Ozempic or similar medications in 2035. In 2022, the US fast food market was $382B, snack food was $110B, tobacco was $83B. A 5% reduction in these markets would create a $30B size hole in the economy! And that’s only the 1st-level effects. We will also have to contend with medical companies losing business, psychologists having less clients, gyms emptying, social media seeing less use and sinking the world’s advertising business, and most importantly, fewer orange fingers from eating less Doritos. In 2024, entire economies will start to change, and you read it here first! There will be winners like airlines (skinnier passengers use less fuel) and governments (spending less on fighting obesity-related health issues)… but whether Ozempic ends up being a net positive is still up for discussion. As the earth loses weight, will Ozempic be a job killer? My prediction: Bet on it. Go long on Novo Nordisk and short on Weightwatchers.
- Oy Vey #4: Russia invades Alaska, claims they are the “indigenous” people – Putin’s invasion of Ukraine turns out to be a strategic distraction for his real prize – Seward’s Folly, otherwise known as Alaska. We bought Alaska from the Ruskies in 1867 for a cool $7.2 million then shortly thereafter made it the 49th state. Since then, the harsh geography has produced a startling amount of offshore oil and is now recognized as a major source of exotic metals used in the production of electric vehicles and a reliable source of useless humans posing as politicians. So, it’s no wonder the JNR is predicting that the Russian bear will come knocking on our back door and look to reneg on the deed. There is also a small but very vocal community of Russians who have lived in Alaska for multiple generations that are suing the United States under the “Indigenous Peoples Act”, the same legal avenue used successfully by Native American’s claims on land now occupied by casinos. According to Putin, “Alaska would make for a great gambling destination, or I could always use it as a destination for jailing political opponents. Pop by and say hello to Alexei Navalny for example. Beats going to the Arctic!”
- Oy Vey #5: Mitch McConnell is permanently frozen – In the middle of delivering a speech on the Senate floor, Minority Republican leader Mitch McConnell had yet another freeze episode. Doctors have been mystified to explain the freeze phenomena, but have now confirmed that it is permanent. Aides for the aging Senator were able to tip him backwards and carry him off and place him in the corner of his office where he will continue to perform his Senatorial responsibilities. “We are confident the Senator will not miss a beat”, said one of his aides. “With advances in AI, and cooling fans, he should thaw nicely. His constituents will never notice a difference.”
- Oy Vey #6: JNR recognized as “Influencer” by Instagram, Meta, others – In yet another milestone for the Jew News Review, the JNR was notified last week that it will be considered an “Influencer” among the Sharon, MA and Staunton, VA Jewish communities. Editor and CEO Brad Goverman was thankful for the recognition and had this to say in response: “I am humbled at this milestone, and thankful to my thousands of followers. This means a lot to the brand and our SEO and offers many opportunities for link-building. I have already been approached by several marketers of home lift chairs, erectile dysfunction devices, and Judaica.”
Oy. That’s all for this year! May all your predictions come true and may 2024 be a great, healthy and prosperous new year for everyone! If any of this nonsense should come true, remember, you read it here first on the JNR. And remember, it’s still a Covid world out there, so let’s be careful! See you all next year!
Brad out.
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