The Jew News Review – December 24, 2022 – Ring out the old, ring in the new: orange turd flushed, Soros buys tik tok, Twitter goes belly up, and other 2023 predictions!

Shabbat shalom everyone! And happy Chanukah on this Christmas eve day, and it’s a beautiful one here in sunny Palm Springs where the temps are expected to reach the 80’s! I do feel for all of you on the east coast suffering through the arctic blast bringing freezing cold to most of you, but hey, we have an extra bedroom if you need to escape. And this is me doing my best to channel my late snowbird father-in-law, who always called us from Florida when the snows were heavy in New England.

Our balcony overlooking Coachella Valley. It’s 81 degrees here in Palm Springs! Golf anyone?

Shout out today to 2022. What a year. We said goodbye to the Queen, hopefully said good bye to pandemic incivility, please, no more “Karens” or “Kens”, let’s put crypto everything in the rear view mirror, for god’s sake, no more Elon Musk and tweets about anything, hopefully we are done with China and tik tok algorithms feeding us pet videos, and will grey be passé in 2023? Are we through with Pete Davidson’s love life, and is it bad that I don’t know who he is? It took a war to patch up our alliances with Europe, the red tsunami predicted for US mid-terms turned into a pink puddle, while Israel had more elections in 2022 than it had in the previous few decades and finally decided to (Oy!) bring back Nut-and-yahoos for a 3rd term! Anti-semitism was up, the stock market was down, authoritarians tightened their grip, but democracy in the good old US of A survived and an act of treason might eventually catch up with a certain orange turd. I could go on, but let’s move on, and think about the year ahead!

2023 is just a week away and my crystal ball is glowing with predictions! My 2022 prognostications were a bust, going 0 for 5. But remember, as the great philosopher Poombah once said, “you got to put your behind in the past”, and with that bit of wisdom now behind us, I am proud to present, the annual JNR Oy Vey List for 2023. This being my best guess predictions of things to come in 2023 that will elicit dismay, frustration, grief or just a good ole “Oy”. Here are my predictions and predilections for 2023:

  1. George Soros acquires Tik Tok from the Chinese and renames it Tok Tikkun Olam – Soros, a businessman/philanthropist who made his fortune leveraging his General Theory of Reflexivity, buys Tik Tok in order to save America from the Chinese plot to destroy our minds with endless cat and dog videos. Extending his already generous philanthropy to the tech sector, Soros announces the new algorithms will provide an endless stream of “good deeds” to foster voluntarism and the spirit of Tikkun Olam around the world.  The acquisition was met with some resistance and skepticism from the right wing, who claimed Soros was using the company to launder Nazi loot, infiltrate Twitter with leftie bots, and to cover up his involvement in the Kennedy assassination.
  1. The Jew News Review goes viral – After being snubbed by the Palm Springs Film Festival’s decision to not accept Editor-in-Chief Brad Goverman’s JNR press credentials, friend of the blog, Ari Emanuel, CEO of Endeavor, offers to help ramp up JNR Substack subscriptions and amp up its Search Engine Optimization algorithms. The effort is a tremendous success resulting in thousands of new subscribers, and the JNR becomes the top Jewish News blog in Sharon, MA and Staunton, VA. Said the ever-so-humble JNR Editor-in-Chief, “Today Sharon and Staunton, next year in Jerusalem!
  1. The orange turd finally gets flushed – After two impeachments, one failed insurrection and many years of generally stinking up the world, the man who claimed he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and wouldn’t lose any voters” finally got a dose of accountability when the DOJ indicted him for multiple illegalities and otherwise deplorable acts against humanity. Immediately following his indictment, a new Non-fungible Token (NFT) was released by Parker Bros on behalf of the former, disgraced President. You can purchase the below NFT for $99 or role three doubles and get one for free!
  1. Twitter bids its last tweet – Elon Musk, aka “King Twit”, spent most of 2022 losing billions of dollars while watching his reputation go from saint to satan. It wasn’t a great year for Musk, who shit-posted his way into a revenue crisis, did a wink wink at Nazis, decimated his staff, and damaged his other more lucrative businesses in the process. The only billionaire who cratered more than Elan was disgraced cryptocurrency magnate Sam Bankman-Fried. After overpaying for the social media platform in a misguided effort to save free speech in America, boy genius brought more volatility than value to the effort and scared his advertisers away, ending the Twitter story with Chapter 11.
  1. The Zuck launches himself into orbit – Mark Zuckerberg, itching to enter the outer-space space alongside the likes of Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, announces Metamissile, Meta’s orbital flight program. The inaugural passengers include William Shatner, Spaceballs producer Mel Brooks, and Zuckerberg’s Uncle Schlomo, a NASA enthusiast who always showed off his moon rocks at family seders. The shuttle, meant to land after two hours of orbital flight, never returns.

That’s all for this year! I will be taking next weekend off to celebrate the exciting start of 2023. I hope all your predictions come true and that 2023 is a great, healthy and prosperous new year for everyone! And hey, as my nephew Nick can attest to, it’s still a Covid world out there, so be safe everyone!

Brad out.

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